I believe..

I believe I've written 3 posts in the last year - in the last three months. I couldn't tell you what they were right now except maybe the last two which was about.. Anarchy and the other about.. Sharon Olds, specifically her poem. The former was after my 17th birthday at which time I received a couple of books from my family for such an occasion of 17 years of life on this earth. I got "Anarchy!", an anthology of Emma Goldman's "Mother Earth"; "Eating Animals", which is about the shit of our modern meat and food industry; "The Kingdom of God is Within You", by Tolstoy and about real Christianity and also Anarchism (I do believe); and "From Hell", by Alan Moore. I'm very grateful, and though I have only briefly started the first book, I can't wait to read the rest.

I wrote in my journal today: "In reproducing Chaos, expect Chaos and greet it with Joy, if only because it is natural in its happening." I wrote such after I had literally tried to replicate what Chaos looked like to me in art and something fucked up. I cursed ("FUCK YOU PAINT") and kicked the air but now I'm kind of glad that it happened and so I wrote about it, however little. I am only disappointed by the tape I put on the board to stop the paint from flying to that point which is kind of ironic because I stopped Chaos with some system and that produced the opposite of what I wanted. So there's something.

I enjoy writing in my journal, I think more so than I enjoy writing on here - though I like both and, in fact, use some material from my journal for topics or entries on here - because it is very intimate and produced mostly for me. I read of this woman who wrote in her journal that was really meant only for her because she wrote in a way that only she could understand it, relating each word and letter to that event and emotion and piece of Chaos that she lived and felt. I think I would like to try that though I hardly write in my journal - or on here - even now. I would really like to do both again. I don't necessarily want to set a prescribed time that I think and write but I want to have to willingness to pick up my pencil and write at times that mean something. Perhaps I'm living in the moment without observing outside of that moment. This could be good or bad, I don't know. Either way, I will see what happens! Which means I might write some more stuff on here as well.

I'm reading a couple of books write now and this feels like it's taking up quite a good while of my time and leaving me refreshed and free from that ennui that seems to characterize most of our lives. I'm happy nonetheless and have been for a good while. I think I could get a good quote out of at least one of the books that I read everyday so I think that could be some good material to post on here while expanding on the quote and idea. I read a post on some blog today that the author likes to keep his posts to some word minimum which is an interesting idea because it compacts what it being said and gives a sharper edge to what is being said. That could be an idea!

I think as I'm writing this, I'm setting a to do list for myself. I find that I'm never really a definite "Let's do it!" or "I'm not doing that" sort of guy and rather a "Perhaps it will happen" and "Perhaps it will not happen" sort of person. I think I like that about myself though perhaps it limits what I do to the whims of my brain and mood. Thus far, I've been reading a lot and not necessarily constraining myself to what others feel I should do with them or without them, but only doing. I want to see where this can bring me.

Your friend,
Alex